Nathaniel's Birth Story (part 2)

I got into the OR sometime around 8:30 pm and things got underway. I was scared and shaking. The anesthesiologist gave me the spinal block and they began prepping me for surgery. Mel came into the room and a few minutes later, our volunteer photographer from NILMDTS also arrived. When they started the surgery, I knew something wasn't right. I'd had a previous c-section and things were feeling different. I told the nurse anesthetist that I could feel the doctors. At first he told me that I'd feel the pressure but not the pain, but he soon realized I was feeling more than the pressure. He told me he was giving me IV narcotics to help with the pain, but the pain was still out of control. Apparently my spinal block was "spotty" which frequently happens and typically they just put the mom under general anesthesia. The nurse anesthetist was trying to avoid putting my under, given our situation, so he administered more drugs and nitrous oxide through a face mask to take the edge off. It was the worst experience I've ever been through, but I'm so thankful (after the fact) that I didn't have to be put under. I would have never seen Nathaniel alive and the first couple of hours would have been hazy.

Nathaniel was born at 8:50 pm. He never cried. He never opened his eyes. He only took a few short shallow breaths. His heart stopped beating twenty minutes after he was born. Both Mel and I agree he probably saw the light of heaven and felt Jesus cradling him in His arms from the moment he was taken from my belly. Because of the pain I was in, I never held him when he was alive, but I held his hand. Before he was born, I thought that holding him alive was so important, but in the end seeing him in daddy's arms was beautiful. Mel was the first to hold Jacob and Kyle when they were born, so it seemed only natural. When I was finally all stitched up and the pain of the surgery was over, I was able to really take in Nathaniel, hold him and see and touch every part of his body.

Nathaniel weighed 3 lbs. 8 oz. and was 11 1/2 inches long. He was so beautiful. Obviously he didn't look like most newborns or preemie newborns. His chest was small, his abdomen was large and limbs were shorter, but it didn't matter. He was so beautiful to us. Mel told me a few times that night and the following days that Nathaniel was "perfectly made, but not for this world." It was true. We could see God’s perfection in our son.

The nurses let me recover in a private room so we could have family and friends come in and meet Nathaniel. I had a lot of bleeding so the nurses made everyone leave every few minutes so they could monitor my bleeding more closely. Mel took Nathaniel out in the hallway and proudly showed his son to everyone. Some of my close friends prayed over Nathaniel which really meant a lot to Mel. It was so good to share our son with others. Shortly after that, our friends and family gathered around my bed while I held Nathaniel and the chaplain said a blessing and prayer for him.
It was getting late and Jacob and Kyle were very exhausted, physically and emotionally. Originally the boys were going to stay overnight at Cari's, but Jacob was very sad and emotional and we thought it was best for Mel to go home with them. I wanted him to be able to stay with Nathaniel as long as possible, but it was obvious that Jacob really needed his daddy. Mel said his goodbyes to Nathaniel around 11:30 and took the boys home to sleep. After everyone left, I kept Nathaniel in my arms until about 1:30. I talked to him, kissed his cheeks and his fingers and tried to memorize every part of his body. The nurse made molds of his feet and hands and helped me save a lock of his dark hair.
I don't know how I did it, but somehow I managed to hand my son to the nurse after saying my goodbyes. I kept the blanket that had been touching his skin all evening and cuddled up to it the rest of the night. I didn't sleep much. I kept replaying the whole day and night in my head trying to make sense of everything that had happened.