The big man is 9!

And I do mean big. He's growing like a weed and is now up to 5 feet 1 inch tall. His feet are growing just as fast. He's blown though three pairs of shoes since the beginning of the school year. He's wearing size 8's now... men's.


Jake, you make us very proud and happy as parents. It's fun to see you grow up and excel at the things you enjoy. We're so proud of your hard work at school. Keep putting forth a strong effort at everything that is important to you.
We love you!

Two years

Nathaniel,
You've been on my mind a lot these past couple weeks, and especially today, the anniversary of your birth. I wish I could approach today and focus only on the love I have for you. But because of that enormous love, my heart is heavy with longing for you. I miss you. I want to see your face. I want to hold you and breathe you in. I want to feel the weight of your body in my arms. I want you here. I love you sweet boy.

The big 5

Wow, where has the time gone Kyle? I can't believe you're 5!

Our little "Jack Russell" of the family. You're playful and fun, but have a gentle, soft side too. You keep us smiling with your wonderful personality and the silly things that come out of your mouth. You bring so much joy to our lives. Happy birthday! We love you!

Happy 8th Birthday Jake!

Jacob- You're growing up so fast. I can't believe you're 8 today. I'm so proud of the person you are. You're funny, smart, respectful, and a good brother, friend and son. I'm proud of how you're handling our move and the strong effort you're putting into meeting new friends and working hard at school. I love seeing you give your all with your schoolwork. You make Mom and Dad very proud. Happy Birthday! We love you!

It was a good day

Nathaniel's birthday was a good day. I'd been anxious about it for a few weeks and I didn't really know how I'd be emotionally on the actual day. Part of my anxiety came from choosing just the right way to honor him. I wanted to do something special that day in his memory. Originally Mel and I talked about planting a tree, but since July isn't a good time to plant and we were going to be gone half the month, we decided we'd save the tree planting for the fall. Instead we decided to purchase and donate some toys to our church nursery in Nathaniel's memory. So we spent part of the day at Toys R Us which surprisingly wasn't stressful (with two kids) and it wasn't sad. We were shopping with Nathaniel in mind but we knew these toys would be used by other kids and it truly felt okay in our hearts.

Later in the afternoon Kyle and I picked up some helium balloons. Kyle randomly chose the colors from the bins and placed them on the counter. Red, orange, yellow, green, blue and purple. I don't think it was a coincidence. We brought them home and we wrote messages to Nathaniel. We tied our messages to the balloons and released them into the sky.

An hour or so later both Jacob and Kyle wanted to write another note to Nathaniel so we had a second balloon release. The boys wrote such sweet things to their baby brother.
"Nathaniel,
Always gentle and kind. I hope you are having a good time playing with Grace and your other new friends in heaven. I miss you and love you. I will see you again one day.
Love,
Your big brother Jacob"

"Nathaniel,
I love you and miss you.
Love,
Kyle"

It's your birthday, sweet baby

We knew you for six months, 186 days to be exact. From the day we learned you were growing inside me until the day you were born. In that 186 days you changed our lives forever. We only new you for six months and held you for a few short hours, but time doesn't determine the amount of love we feel. You are a part of us, and the depth of our love for you is immeasurable.
Our hearts will forever hold an emptiness that cannot be filled. The longing to see you and hold you will always pierce our hearts. We'll always wonder what life would be like if you'd survived. If you were still here with us.

Our comfort comes in knowing that you are rejoicing with our Heavenly Father. The day you were born, He called you by name. The name He chose for you and put in our hearts. He gently spoke, "Nathaniel John" as He called you home. You didn't open your eyes here on earth, but I believe when He called your name you opened your eyes to Him and He made you whole. I picture the angels singing sweetly to you and praising our King.

Although our hearts will always ache for you, we will see you again one day. We hold onto this hope. We love you Nathaniel and remember you especially today, your birthday.