Sense of Hope

When I was in the midst of my really "down" weekend a couple weeks ago I had a real heart to heart with God. I begged Him to take away this pain. I tried to reason with Him that I was doing everything I thought I should be doing to love this baby and to trust God's plans and yet I was still feeling such overwhelming pain and despair. I even pleaded with God to take this baby now if he wasn't going to survive. The agony of waiting was becoming too much.

I can't explain it, but in the weeks following, the pain is lifting and is being replaced with hope. I feel like maybe Nathaniel has a chance. Maybe the doctors have made a mistake. Maybe we will see our miracle.

I've told myself I'm in denial. I've told myself that my mind is protecting itself from the pain, but in truth, the feeling is real and I can't explain it.

I suppose I may look back in a few weeks or a few months and say I was delusional to be so optimistic and full of hope, but I truly believe it is God giving me this hope and it's my job right now to trust in Him.


I keep going back to the scripture on the sidebar of my blog:

Be joyful in hope,
patient in affliction,
and faithful in prayer.