Aching To Hold Him

I've been thinking a lot about Nathaniel this past week. Tuesday was five weeks since his birth. Maybe it's because I'm feeling better, doing more and life is returning to normal. I'm afraid to go on with our lives as though he was never here. We finally brought him home last Friday. We could have had him home sooner, but we couldn't decide what type of urn or box we wanted for him and then when we decided, we had to order it, wait for it to be shipped, take it to the engraver, wait to get it back and then coordinate with the funeral home to bring him home. We also picked up a picture Melinda and Sam had framed for us while they were here. Right now it sits on our dresser until we decide where to hang it. Last night after checking on the boys before I went to bed, I walked into my room and looked at his picture and I kissed the mahogany box that holds him. I know it sounds silly, but I don't want him to think I'm moving on without him. I want him to know how much I wanted and still want him. How much my heart aches for him- the kind of ache that physically hurts. I want him to know that when I see other newborns I think of him and long to hold him and feel his breath against my skin. Sometimes I look in the back seat of the car at Jacob and Kyle and see the empty seat between them and think their brother should be sitting there. I want to know who he would have been, what his personality would have been like. Maybe it's hormones or maybe it's instinctual, but I haven't been able to get the thought of being pregnant again out of my mind. I know it sounds crazy, but the idea of carrying a little life inside me again totally consumes my thoughts. I know it's my body (or mind's) way of trying to do what it was meant to do- nurture the baby I was carrying. I know that another baby will never take the place of Nathaniel, but my body too is mourning his loss.