His plan

God knew long before we ever did that Nathaniel would have Achondrogenesis and He was at work preparing our hearts long before we even realized what He was doing. It started about four years ago. Mel and I had a conversation about what we would do if we were ever faced with carrying a baby that we knew would die or have a condition that would leave them severely impaired physically or mentally after they were born. We weren't even pregnant at the time and had no reason to have this conversation other than we knew a couple who was faced with this situation. We both agreed that if it happened to us, we'd carry the baby to term (or as long as we could) because it was God's choice to decide the outcome or our baby's life, not ours. We obviously had no idea then that we'd be faced with this choice years later.

Last January my women's group was doing a study about God's purpose for our lives and the chapter we were reading was about surrendering to God. The author wrote that as we surrender to God, He will prepare and reveal the plan he has for our lives. I needed to and was ready to surrender everything to God- my strongholds, my marriage, my finances, my weaknesses. I felt God speaking to my heart asking, "Everything? Do you really mean everything? Do you surrender your children?" I don't believe God means surrender as in sacrifice, but rather to let Him be the guide in every part of our lives. To let go of the reigns and let Him take control. In the back of my mind I thought about what I would do if something happened to one of my boys. What if one of them had a serious illness or had a bad accident. How would I handle it? What would this do to my faith? Would I get angry at God and turn away from Him or would I surrender the situation or burden to Him? I initially reflected on this thought but as time passed, I soon forgot about this question God placed on my heart. It wasn't until a few days after Nathaniel's diagnosis that I remembered it. It was clear that I needed to surrender Nathaniel to His Maker, the one who created Him. The one who could heal him. The one who would see us through this. I strongly feel that my purpose and God's plan for my life while I was carrying Nathaniel was to share my story. I usually struggle with sharing my faith and I'm not good with expressing myself but I feel that being open and honest about our journey and sharing what God was doing in our lives was what He wanted. I know that Nathaniel's life had purpose. God didn't cause Nathaniel to have this condition, but he used his short life to touch others. Maybe people who never prayed before prayed for his healing. Maybe sharing our faith has made others come to view their faith in a different way. We'll never know all the ways God used Nathaniel's life for His glory. That's part of surrendering. We don't always know God's plan and we don't always understand it, but we have to trust it.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about Nathaniel, but as time passes it seems that each day is a little easier. However there's something about the holidays that reminds us of the loved ones who are no longer with us. So as we enter the Christmas season I feel a new sense of loss. Now, seven months after learning the dreams for our family have changed, I continue to remind myself that I need to surrender it all to God. I need to trust that He has a plan for us and I find comfort in knowing that as we grieve and as we hope for our future, He's still in control of it if we let Him.