Grief

Grief is such a strange thing. Sometimes emotions can be all over the place. I'll find myself going along feeling good and then the oddest thing can bring my thoughts to Nathaniel. Sometimes thse thoughts are of gratitude and thankfulness to be blessed by Nathaniel and other times it's questions of "why" and "what if." Maybe part of it is the time of year. I was carrying Nathaniel at this time last year. I would have been about eight weeks pregnant, blissfully unaware that the baby growing inside me wouldn't survive. That even if every other part of his body was healthy, his frame would not allow him to live. I struggle with this thought often. He wasn't sick. His heart wasn't failing. He would have had thoughts and a personality and we didn't get to see it. When he was born he never opened his eyes. He never cried. He never moved his body. I know if he had opened his eyes or cried it would have been more painful to see him go, but I feel cheated that we didn't have that. He was so active inside of me. His kicks and movements were gentle because of the size of his arms and legs, but they were frequent. The morning before his birth he was very active. Every ultrasound showed him moving his arms and legs and wiggling around. He was happy. He was alive. What I wouldn't give to go back in time and have those moments again.

Yesterday Jacob asked me where Nathaniel is buried. This is the first time he's asked since right after Nathaniel's birth. I decided it was time to explain cremation to him. I reminded him that when a person dies, their soul goes to heaven and their body stays here on earth. I explained that some people are buried in the ground and that others are cremated. I told him that cremation is a process that changes the body to small particles or dust and that we can keep it close to us in a small box or urn. I told him that Nathaniel was cremated and showed him his box. Jacob took the box with both hands and held it close to his body. He ran his fingers over Nathaniel's name and birth date. (I'll cherish that moment.) I told him that I was sorry I didn't tell him sooner, but that I was afraid it would be confusing to him. He said it wasn't confusing at all. He gently put Nathaniel's box back on the dresser and gave me a hug. I'm so thankful he understands and I didn't scare him with my explanation. I really worried about that.