A year ago

A year ago today I walked into my OB clinic for my routine 20 week ultrasound. I sat in the waiting room with my friend Cari because Mel was at Air Assault school. I remember exactly what I was feeling as I sat there and waited. I was excited to see my baby and I thought the highlight of this appointment would be finding out if it was a boy or a girl.
When I was called back for my ultrasound things started out very normal, but quickly changed. The technician stopped talking after only pointing out the top of the baby's head. She moved around and looked at other parts of the body, but I couldn't make out what she was looking at. And then she left the room. I turned to Cari and said, "I feel like something is wrong." I'm sure Cari thought the same thing but she reassured me that everything was okay. An OB walked in and introduced herself and then said that something was wrong with the baby. She wanted to refer me to a perinatal specialist. I asked her what was wrong. (In my mind I was thinking my baby was horribly disfigured because I wasn't able to see any discernible body parts on the ultrasound. This was partly due to the technician not knowing how to react and not being able to say anything to me.) The OB said it looked like the baby possibly had a form of dwarfism or a chromosome abnormality. She was sorry. And just like that the dreams we had for our family were crushed. Suddenly we were walking down a completely different road than the one we were on just ten minutes prior.
I can remember every detail like it was yesterday. I remember what I was wearing, what the weather was like. I remember going to Jacob's track practice that evening trying to fight back tears and avoiding the other parents. I remember having to tell Mel on the phone, but not wanting to worry him. I remember laying in bed that night feeling my baby kick and not wanting him to because it was a constant reminder that something was wrong with him. The positive about remembering today? The silver lining? I don't think there is any. This was probably the most heart wrenching, confusing day of our journey with Nathaniel. Looking back though, as hopeless and desperate as we felt, God was in control. This wasn't a surprise to Him. He knew Nathaniel long before we did and He knew his condition long before the doctors diagnosed him. Some days are still very difficult and God knows this. He's still here wiping our tears and holding us when we need it. And He always will be.