Preparing For Nathaniel

Last week Mel and I met with the perinatal hospice care coordinator, Annette Klein. I knew it was going to be hard. I was already emotional before I left the house that morning. Thankfully, when we met Annette, she was just as compassionate as I had hoped she'd be. She started by asking Mel and I to talk about us, our family, and our baby. She asked if she could call him by his name. I appreciated that.

She had a whole bunch of questions to help us prepare our birth plan. Things we hadn't thought about, things we didn't want to think about, things we felt we couldn't answer until closer to our due date.
Who do we want in the room while I labor? Do we have any special instructions for the nursing staff? Who do we want in the room right after Nathaniel is born? Who will hold him first? Will Mel cut the umbilical cord? Do we want friends and family in a nearby room? When do we want the boys to see their brother? Do we want to baptize him right away? I can't even remember all the questions on the birth plan list. Some seemed irrelevant at this point because we don't know if we will try natural birth or c-section, or if Nathaniel will make it to delivery. There's a chance he will be stillborn.

She also gave us contacts to get in touch with now; the chaplain, the social worker (to help us explain things to the boys), the volunteer photographers (if we want their services) and she gave us more literature of resources if we're interested. She told us we should start thinking about the memorial/funeral service for Nathaniel- special songs, scriptures, letters to Nathaniel, a special blanket or clothing, burial or cremation, and the list went on. The surreal part of all this was Nathaniel was kicking and moving around the whole time we were talking.

I managed to hold it together for most of this meeting surprisingly. It wasn't until I asked my final question (even though I already knew the answer) that I lost it. Would we be in the Birthing Center for our whole stay surrounded by other new moms and babies? Yes. They will however, try to put us in a room away from other people. The reason for this is because the nursing staff on the birthing floor will be able to best meet our needs and give me the best care following Nathaniel's birth. I understand the reasoning, but the thought of it totally overwhelmed me. At this point, I couldn't stop the tears. Annette asked if she could pray with us which we said yes to and very much appreciated.

When we left, I found the nearest bathroom and just let the tears flow.